Thank you.

Finally!
A visible picture of you with your braces attached!
I'd bow down and thank you
Though it had been months since we last spoken to each other.
I miss you.
If we're fated to be together, so we shall.

Sincerely,
me.

Numbers

How many times shall a heart shatter,
before finally realizing that it was never,
ever meant to be?

How many times must a person fall,
before finally realizing that his falls,
was totally worth it?

How many times shall an arrow,
pierce through the human body,
to be able to withheld pains?

How many sleepless nights,
shall a person endure,
to finally live the dream?

Does it even have to do with numbers?
Quantity over quality?
Or vice-versa?

To be honest,
as long as one lives,
one should never break to pieces,,
without putting up a fight, but,
how many fights should one win?

Everything has been written down,
since one was at the age of 4 months.

But even when the time comes,
if one has not been putting up with the fights,
one certainly will never be ready,
to be at the top of the hill.

Zone

These past weeks have opened my eyes,
To how fragile and weak I was,
The world is more than what
these two bear eyes could capture.
The world is full of things
that this mind need to ingest.

I found myself as though,
I'm stranded on an island,
With just one source of need,
Surrounded by deep vast blue ocean.

I could not help but,
to notice another land was somewhat a distance way,
Being seen on sunrise,
Shadowed me on sunset.

The matter of fact is,
Have I got what it takes to swim over?
Have I got the guts?
Have I the ability?
Indeed someday I need to crossover to the other side,
Cos' the time travels with no brakes.

Grey overtaking the naturals.
I've got to get there.
Leaving this comfort zone behind.
And going for the win.

Standing Tall

Got pushed just recently.
Didn't even made a big mistake.
Maybe lack of deliverance skill.
Still doesn't deserve such act.

I will never change.
But from then on,
I'll shut the hell up,
I won't interfere anymore.

Education system taught us to follow,
I rebelled and think, myself.
Never thought this would follow.
Up to this point of life.

I'll take responsibilities for my actions,
But not for dumb reasons,
I'll stand my grounds,
Fixation requires if needed.

Shoot me for my wrongs,
For I am not afraid to bleed it,
But shoot me for my right,
I'll shoot right back.

Sincerely,
FUR.

Fly Free

When not attached to anything or anyone,
The mind tends to open up,
To the surroundings,
God, have I not seen that there are,
So much, so much more in life.

I've forgotten that life,
Was so much more than that,
I closed up many possibilities,
When possibilities are those which made,
Life so much more meaningful.

It's time to fly free,
From all the heartaches and headaches,
From all those shadows which clouds,
Ones mind when they feel insecure,
And this is the time to breakthrough.

Open up the mind,
With positives instead of negatives,
Life would be so much easier,
Heart and head working as one,
And one would finally feel contented.

Ultimatum

Gave it 7 days +-. Nothing.

Really, nothing happened.

I guess it's a way for you to mean,

What you really said 2 months ago. 

I hope you're happy.

He's one lucky guy. 

I just hope he really knows how much you're worth.

Time for me to take a step back.

And keep walking, period.

Look back, I shall not.

I'd like to thank you,

for those little memories.

Not much, but made me smile.

Sincerely,

Me.

Tong hua?

Actually I'm not even sure what the title means,
but by translation, it should be fairy tale.
Time to write some crap.

This heart,
it never wishes for the perfect love story,
in fact, perfect would rather be too ambitious,
for one imperfect guy,
it would really be impossible,
even zero would be one too high.

But never shall it give up,
praying to find one who cares,
one who it could call its own.

He who owns this heart,
never wished for a perfect partner,
just one,
that he could hold on to,
which would call upon him,
if she needs anything.

Of course,
he is indeed imperfect,
thus, all that he could offer,
is his honesty.

Perhaps a perfect love story,
is impossible,
but for one like him,
writing his own fictional fairy tale,
was never said to be,
thus, he keeps on hoping,
to find that very person,
one,
who he could call, his own.

Sincerely,
A boy.

Distance

Looks like this will be where the line must be drawn.
I simply wouldn't want to disturb you any longer.
That.. that simple photo..
Made me miserable..
You wore.. a ring which shows your bond with him?
I hope you'll be happy.
There's nothing more I would love but to see you happy.
I hope he knows how much you worth.
I hope he appreciates you.
I hope he's sincere.
I..
I wish..
Nah.. I'll pray for your happiness.. nonetheless..
But the gap, will continously widen, for now.
Till' what extent? Who knows?
Maybe.. Hmm..

Sincerely,
Me.

Hidden

I stood still,
Hidden in the shadows,
of you,
Waiting for you,
to open up a path,
for me.

I was a fool,
still am.
I hoped upon the impossible,
naive.
But I was indeed,
in love with you.

I may not have much,
especially the riches,
But one thing,
I'm different.
This love for you,
it's true.

I would go all the way,
to overcome obstacles.
I would wait for years,
for your replies.
I'd be tired,
but never will I give up.

Just,
if you love him.
I hope that,
he knows that,
he has indeed,
a very awesome girl.

And for once,
I would just,
hope that he appreciates you,
for who you are,
else, you should know
how much more you worth.

Sincerely,
Me.
For,
~FNhAR~

Vital Factor

Assalamualaikum.

To my dearest future wife,
I love you,
Gap between us,
Should never exist,
Let it be,
What people say,
Let it be,
What people see,
You should know,
I'd love you,
Without any doubts.

Dear future wife,
If at all,
I hurt you,
You should know,
I never meant to,
As I am,
A merely weak,
Mistake making being,
Who tried,
My very best,
To give you,
All I could.

Dear future wife,
If things went wrong,
Let's fix it,
Together we stand united,
Apart, I'm half lost,
You're my another half,
Please understand,
That I do care,
Just under few circumstances,
I may not see,
Why not tell me?
Communication, works two ways.

And you should know,

I'd loved you so.

Sincerely,

Me.

Shades of Yellow

Assalamualaikum,
My days seem awfully awkward.
It's been 2 weeks since i started my internship.
Can't wait to finish the next 5 months and 2 weeks, roughly estimated.
But this is not the main point of this post.
Everyday, on my way to work or back home,
I'd be so damn anxious whenever I set sight on any similar particular car
that she drives.
It drives me nuts!
I just wish that I could once, come across the same route, at the same particular time
and see the way she drives.
No, I just wanna see her smile.
I still have not the chance to see her cute braces.
I miss those cute messages from you.
Especially when you're mad cos' I'm being extremely annoying and irritating.
Let alone, ur voice.
I miss em'.

Sincerely,
Me.

Bumptious

So, the other day, after she told me not to disturb her.
I asked her for one last request.
To take a picture of her, with that cute new braces.
A month later, she did upload the picture.
But hid it.
Made it private.
Small picture.
So, maybe she did it for another purpose.
But as the title states, i'm being bumptious about this.
So, decided to say thanks to her, indirectly.
And just yesterday, she changed her status to <3.
Again, being bumptious, just for the thought of creating a fake smile to put on.
Even though it hurts, so damn deep inside.
To know and accept that, she already has some.
Nonetheless, she really, is unpredictable.

Sincerely,
Me.

Blooming

9/9/13
You really shook my soul.
You put on the pic which I wished to see.
Though, I'm not totally sure that it was uploaded for me.
And you made it private.
BUT!
It really shook me, hard.
I still do..
I will always do...
Just that time will make it fade.. or strong..
But it will never be gone.. It will never drop down to a total zero.
You will and had always be in my heart. :)
Yes, I still aim for your total existence in my life.
Legally, mine.

Sincerely,
Me.

Clarification

Truth as it is, I still want you.
11 Aug 13. Last I heard from you.
I hope you're doing fine.
Now i'm waiting for the arrival of 2 months, after that very date.
I'm not sure if you would remember, but deep inside, I hope you do.
I hope you would do as you did last year.
That almost suffocated me, with your gaseous sweetness.
I wish you all the best.
:)

Sincerely,
Me.

Salvation Restarts

Thank you for everything.
I will continue my path.
I bid you well in all your wishes and aims.
Perhaps, one day.
Maybe, never.
Still, life goes on.

Sincerely,
Me.

Divulged

As the title states.

It has finally come to that.

Truth be told.

I'm not sure about what or how I feel.

She has someone else.

He's lucky, if I might say.

He's got a fighter, a sweet one.

He's got someone, who I thought not many would want.

He's got an amazing, beautiful girl to call his own.

She's beautiful, inside out.

She's amazing, needlessly.

She's everything, I would want.

Well, she's her.

Me?

I'm not broken.

Me?

I'm praying for her happiness.

Me?

I'd still be here, giving her my all, in the shadows.

Me?

I'll be gone.

Me?

I just wished she kept that card, at least.

Apparently, I don't think she did. </3

Sincerely,

Me.

-End-

1444 hour, 8/11/2013.

Love Sign?!

MashaAllah. She changed her status.
'8aug n im movin on. <3'
With a darn love sign?!
Nani koreee??
Q.Q Watashi.. watashi...
*breaksdown*
What does it mean?!
Gahhhhhhhhh!
Please replyyyyy~?
Watashi wa sukidessu. Hontou sukidessu!

Q.Q
*sits in a dark corner*

Closing Curtain

Bismillah.
Assalamualaikum.

Kalau ikut kehendak, ingin sahaja disusun sepuluh jari,
ingin memohon maaf, kepada semua,
namun sepuluh kelihatan tidak memadai,
akan tetapi, telah terbuku dihati,
untuk meminta, memohon maaf,
dari hujung rambut, hingga ke hujung kaki,
andai kata diri ini,
terlalu alpa dalam mengejar kebaikan duniawi,
maafkanlah, diri hamba, yang hina serta kerdil.

Salam Aidilfitri bagi semua.
Mohon maaf zahir dan batin.
Taqabbal Allahu Minna Wa Minkum.

Next Step

As painful as it is inside,

I still don't wanna forget about her,

Did all that I could,

She never replied a single word,

Perhaps it's bound to happen,

So, what's next on list?

October.

That would be the last try,

Before I would keep myself silent,

From trying too hard by physical,

And move in towards the abstraction,

Only that I could do,

For I have no strength to force you,

To reply to any of my text or calls,

So, I wait, with what little patience I have.

The Delivery & Aftermath

So, I was really nervous 'bout sending the card over to her.

5/8/2013:

I reached home at about 3.30p.m. and every moment later was stressful.

Until it was around 8p.m. where I finally gathered what few courage I have left.

Took a shower and got ready to head to the masjid.

Took the card along with me, hoping that, when I reach her place, her car would be there.

Whereby if I went too late, scare that it might attract suspicion from her neighbours.

So, I went, and yeah! Her car was there! Card placed into position, and I left.

Later after the prayers, I head there again, to see if she's taken the card.

Seems not.

6/8/2013:

It was her birthday. I did not send her any text but later roughly at 10a.m.

I saw her online on whatsapp and decided to text her.

Once again, no replies.

She was online every hour, but yeah, still no replies.

I wonder, if she's angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? Ashamed? Happy?

Everything ran through my mind and finally got me in such a state that I feel so terrible.

Late in the evening I lost all my senses and gotten raged cos' of such a small thing.

Really, my emotions? Such a horrible attitude I have.

Perhaps this is why I could never attain those which I wish to have.

But, yeah, the pain.

It deepens every second.

Dear Lord, please save me from this terrible feelings.

Sincerely,

Me.

Butterflies

Bismillah.

Oh Lord, it's like I'm having a nervous breakdown. 

Tomorrow's the big day. Gonna give the card to her. 

Ohhhhhh my. Hope she'll keep the card. Q.Q though I can't stop wondering if she'd throw away the card. Hmmm. :( So, anyways, here's the preview of the card. 

Sincerely, 

Me.

Template View

Well, today I decided to do as usual, stalk her last seen on whatsapp.

Guess what?

She was online.

Hahaha, darn it made me happy.

Well. Her birthday is around the corner. Eid too.

I'm happy to welcome both.

Though, this year's Eid seem very empty indeed.

Well. Wadya think about the below image? Is it ok? No? Leave a shout.

Sincerely,

Me.

Appreciation

Dear girl,
Thank you, for at least having clicked your whatsapp application,
once a day at least,
The very least is I get to know that,
you're doing fine and in peace.
I thank you for that.

Though, however, I need you to know,
I miss you.

Sincerely,
Me.

On a mission

Today is a start of a set of important missions.
To start of, Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Mission task list:

1. Aim for the final 10.
2. Complete PSM a.s.a.p.
3. Produce something special for FNhAR.

Hopefully, I'll put forth those with higher priorities.
But fact is, the latest will cloud my whole priority and end up,
With absolutely failure.
Well. Let's start working then. :)

Hopefully she'll like what I came up with. Q.Q

Sincerely,
Me.

Private getaway

Bismillah.

Syukur, Alhamdulillah. I managed to get you off my mind for few hours, nearly a day.

Thank you Tera for such a nice gameplay.

Currently rushing my Devillus to level 60.

Though, I can't really run away from the fact that my heart longs for you, FNhAR.

I du'a for you in every prayer.

If we were meant to be, I prayed for our hearts to be united.

If not, let it set apart, in different directions.

I wanted to message.

I wanted to call.

But the thought of making you suffocate by my messages and calls, forbids me from doing so.

And to think that a woman's voice needs to be confined as they are very alluring, when heard by guys especially.

Yours, especially when I heard your voice, heart beats faster.

Only beautiful thoughts will be played in mind.

That's how far your existence meant to me.

I really hope 1 day, I could finally call you mine.

If not, I just hope you're happy and successful in life.

That's all.

Sincerely,

Me.

Heartbreak phase

It was, few months back. At first we were doing fine, messaging each other.
Then, it turned out bad. I messaged you, once in 2 days, for 6 consecutive days.
Three times, to be exact, but no replies.
By the end of the third, 6th day, you changed your status.

'I have my own life.. so please..'

So, ok, i decided not to disturb you...

But I saw you, continuously updating your status.
So, I decided to reply to your status instead.
At one time, i guess you noticed.
And went blank '---------------------------------'.

From then on, I started to stalk, your 'last seen'. To just know, that you're doing fine. :')

Later. 2 months since i last messaged you, it was your examination week, so i decided to gain courage and finally wish you good luck.
Again, you didn't reply.

And then comes Ramadhan. I decided to once again, gain more courage, to wish you for the fasting season.

Finally, you replied. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me.

Hijrah

I'm sure all of us need salvation.
From all the past sins which clouds our heart.
From lights which was supposed to shine the way.

Life.
What's life?
Have you ever felt like you've been taking numerous hit?
And felt like giving up?

'Life, is the only thing that will beat you down to your knees,
And keep you there, if you let it' - quoted from Rocky

'It's not about how hard you hit.
It's about how hard you can get hit.
And keep moving forward' - quoted from Rocky

These lines thought me a whole new way to look at life.
I wondered how did I go so far into life.
Thinking like a loser.

Not getting what you want now doesn't mean you won't get it any other times.
Get up from falls.
Get up strong.

The most important thing in life is, having faith.
Especially faith, to the Creator.
He, created and gave life to us.
Bow down to him,
Hold your hands and ask for His forgiveness,
Need help? Seek from Him, as He is indeed loving and merciful
Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim

Never let darkness fill your hearts,
Try letting the light in.
In sha Allah, things will turn out better than you think.

#notetoself #notpreeching

Sincerely,
Me.

Little confession

I can't help but myself.
It's not like I want to think of you, day and night.
If I were given a choice, I don't even wanna.
But that's the thing, I wasn't given any choice.

I'm just another boy,
Who seeks for love and seeks to love.
Just like those other.
But I've chose the lone path.

This is a confession.
Yes, I'm in love with you.
Since the very first day I set eyes on you, crush.
But I'm not wishing to be your stead.

I want much more than that,
I wanna be the one to grow old with you,
Maybe when I'm capable,
I'll come for your hand.

Til' then..
I hope I'm not a nuisance to you,
I really don't want to,
It's just that, watashi wa sukidessu, FNhAR.

Sincerely,
Me.

What do I really seek?

No, I'm not seeking for a relationship with the girl.
Rather, I'm actually seeking for a salvation from all my sins.

No, I'm not seeking for an escape from my loneliness.
Rather, I'm actually seeking to fill that empty spaces with faith and loyalty.

No, I'm not seeking to be loved.
Rather, I'm actually expressing love to someone.

No, I'm not hoping to get her.
Rather, I'm actually hoping to be strong willed and getting to know the Creator.

No, I'm not trying to seek for attention.
Rather, I'm actually writing these down, so I won't forget such memories.

No, I'm not upset that she ignores my messages.
Rather, I'm actually happy that she took a few seconds reading them.

No, I'm not crazy over her.
Rather, I'm actually seeking for an escape from committing further sins.

Yes, I am thankful to the Creator.
Because, He had created such beautiful lives.

Yes, I have the eager to strive for more.
Because, this feeling gives me thrills in life.

Yes, I stalk her.
Because, not for the sake of myself, but I just need to know that she's doing fine.

Yes, I think about her all the time.
Because, I am thankful that Allah S.W.T had gave me the privilege to know someone like her.

Yes, I would like her to be the one I call my own.
Because, I hope to only love one woman, other than my mom, in my whole life.

Sincerely,
Me.

From mere strangers to ??

Actually, how on earth did I meet or get to know of this FNhAR? To really think about it, it was really random. So, how did I really came across to befriend such a girl? Hahaha. Typical answer which is no longer a stranger to our daily lives, Facebook. Well, I guess I just came across her being in a photo with a friend (a friend that I knew earlier before her), and I thought, hey, this girl was kinda cute. So, I went and sent her a friend request. Right after she approved we had a rather, few small conversations over why she went to accept me as friend and gave me her number (considering fact that I'm not at all attractive).

Me : Salam, hey.

Her : Waalaikumsalam.

Me : Can I have your number?

Her : Why do you want it?.

Me : Well, to just be friends, promise I wouldn't constantly disturb you.

Her : I guess since you're a mutual friend of mine, I guess it would be okay.

Me : Oh, hehe thanks.

Damn, in a way, she was rather sweet, considering that we don't really know each other in real life. 

I'm just thankful that I get to know such a wonderful girl as a friend. Alhamdulillah.

Sincerely,

Me.

Hope

To think about it, she did say she would be nice to me once a year. She even picked up when I called her last time when she decided to be nice to me. I really hope that once a year would be during my special day. =D

Ahhh. I'm going nuts.

Started the ball rolling

I wonder, since when did it got so deep into me? I've known her for years. It was back, since the start of my diploma pursuing. Both of us are going out of state, to pursue that one scroll, to maybe earn a little bit more than what we could have without it. 2008. Exact date? I couldn't remember, I'm getting really old. It was then, that I think started the ball rolling. A dialog between me and her during our first semester of study, not the exact dialog, but it goes somewhat like this:

Me : 'How's your study? Is the campus fine?'

Her : 'I don't like it here.'

Me : 'I don't like it here either, maybe we should run away together.'

Her : 'Yeah, maybe we should.'

Damn, that was the real start. But back then, I was damn immature, being very insecure about anything related to relationships and commitment. I thought of nothing but more than a mere simple crush. As time goes by, yes, I've met other crushes along the way, thought of getting serious, but failed, in all. I guess God doesn't approve me of being in a relationship, if I don't mean to make that exact girl to be my only one.

Time passes through, we chatted along the way, and about last year (2012), we had this random conversation using sms.

Me : 'Hey, you still listen to hardcore songs or have you turn to lovey dovey songs?'

Her : 'Why? Do you intend to scold me if I do?'

Me : 'No, of course not, I just wanna let you hear this song 'Pierce the Veil - Caraphernelia'.'

Her : 'Oh okay, I thought you wanted to ask me to be those softer girls.'

Me : 'Nah, just listen to the song.'

Her : 'Okay, i'll listen to it later.'

Oh God, she thought I was gonna scold her and persuade her into listening love songs? Please. And at another time, I actually hid my birth date from fb. Only a few of my best friends wished me that time. And out of nowhere, around 2-3 days later, she messaged me saying 'Happy belated birthday'. I was like, what? You remembered? Gosh. That moment, heart stopped. So, this is how far it has become.

Watashi wa sukides, sukidessu, FNhAR-chan.

Sincerely,
Me.

Sickness proof

Proof of how much this sickness has gotten to me:

From one time,

I tried to message her through normal sms-es.

To a time where,

I would message her through whatsapp.

To another time where,

She was rather suffocated by my messages.

Until that time where,

She let know her anger through her whatsapp status.

And at that time,

I updated my status, to say 'Hontouni gomenasai'.

Till at a certain time,

I checked her status, daily.

When another time comes,

Where I would update status to let her know of my feelings.

And then comes the time,

She notices my status, and went blank '----------------------' on me.

And desperation comes into hand when it was a time,

I checked her well-being through 'last seen' of the whatsapp application.

And from that moment on,

Where I update my status, to again, notify her of my feelings.

And this is the time,

Where I fall deeply sick, into this sickness, which I love being in.

Sincerely,

Me.

Current sickness.

Sickness, many may not like em', but I somehow do love this one sickness.

Not really one, but it's said that if you're having fever, you'll have the chance to Du'a and may have it to come true. Then, when you're sick, it's somehow a cleanse of the sins that you have done in the past. 

Though, however, this sickness does not apply to practically being sick, but still, I love this sickness. 

What sickness if you may ask? Simple. Lovesick.

Why do I love this sickness? Perhaps because it gives me reason to live life to the fullest, and perhaps one day, achieve my dreams, one of em' is to of course, be with the one I love.

It may sound nice, but sometimes it could really be troublesome, especially when you're the only one expecting so much from it, whereby the other, either already have another person or does not care at all about what you feel. Well, that's life. Things don't go exactly the way you want it to, but heck, it will drive you more and more towards your aims and goals.

It may not come true now, or it may not come true at all, but hey, I'm doing all I could to win her heart, so, I have nothing more to regret. I'll leave it to God to decide whether she was meant for me, or she's not. Either way, I'm thankful for the current life I am living.

-FNhAR- <3

Sincerely,

Me.

Ice breaking

Assalamualaikum,

A little introduction about myself:

Name : Ahmad Adlan

Nickname : Karbox

Year born : 1990

Style : Typical immature boy

Occupation : Student

Ambition : Useful person

I wonder why I started this blog, my old one was kinda abandoned. The last one had nothing but random short essays, so I'm wondering what to write in this new one. Well, it's a start, hopefully won't end too soon though.