Crippled

I.. have now..
Found myself lost, completely;
Never thought I could ever feel,
as to how I did,
21st of July 2014,
23rd Ramadhan 1435H,
has thought me,
on how insincere I was,
all these time,
every single word I spoke,
was a hoax,
every single action,
was indeed meaningless.

How?
How can I be loved,
when I am not ready to love?
How can another stand for me,
when having to stand still,
merely under 5 minutes,
nearly made me stumble?
Ya Allah,
Ya Rahman,
Ya Rahim,
please give me the strength to endure,
of what little from the others,
my brothers and sisters,
who are currently enduring,
protecting their most valuable asset.

How?
How Ya Rabb,
how do I face You,
in the coming days,
when my time has come,
when You have called upon me,
to be judged,
upon what I have done so far,
what have I done,
to be in Your favour?

Indeed,
after all these while,
I am indeed,
crippled still,
inside out.

Steps

Difficult it is,
not to leave you,
but those memories,
those moments,
they haunt,
they hurt,
slowly,
they kill,
like an assassin,
that hid in the shadow,
and when in silent,
they rise,
and without a doubt,
shred what's left.

It's inevitable,
leaving you,
it's a must,
but acting like,
it never existed,
that could never happen,
though it was not much,
to me,
you were all,
all that I wanted.

I wish for you,
to be happy,
to succeed,
to achieve,
all that you had ever dreamt of.

I hope,
that this,
this,
to be my last,
goodbye.

Sincerely,
Me.

Square one

MashaAllah.
Such beauties,
still exist,
but I'm still afraid,
afraid of going through,
the same old process,
of having caraphernelia.

I'm tired,
but as a person,
I still need one who,
I could lean on,
I could go home to,
I could converse with,
I could complain to.

I wish I could be the one,
the one who,
she cherishes.

I know,
I'm far from being a man,
a man who could guide you,
who could protect you,
who could make you feel,
that you're home,
all the time.

But God's willing,
I'll give it all,
all for you.

If this feelings are true,
I'm willing to fight for it,
till we see through,
inshaAllah.